| [Enter MARIA and Clown] | |
| MARIA | Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst. |
| [Exit] | |
| Clown | Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. |
| [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA] | |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | Jove bless thee, master Parson. |
| Clown | Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;' so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'? |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | To him, Sir Topas. |
| Clown | What, ho, I say! peace in this prison! |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | The knave counterfeits well; a good knave. |
| MALVOLIO | [Within] Who calls there? |
| Clown | Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. |
| MALVOLIO | Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. |
| Clown | Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies? |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | Well said, Master Parson. |
| MALVOLIO | Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness. |
| Clown | Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark? |
| MALVOLIO | As hell, Sir Topas. |
| Clown | Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction? |
| MALVOLIO | I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark. |
| Clown | Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog. |
| MALVOLIO | I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question. |
| Clown | What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl? |
| MALVOLIO | That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. |
| Clown | What thinkest thou of his opinion? |
| MALVOLIO | I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. |
| Clown | Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. |
| MALVOLIO | Sir Topas, Sir Topas! |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | My most exquisite Sir Topas! |
| Clown | Nay, I am for all waters. |
| MARIA | Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not. |
| SIR TOBY BELCH | To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. |
| [Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA] | |
| Clown | [Singing] |
| 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.' |
|
| MALVOLIO | Fool! |
| Clown | 'My lady is unkind, perdy.' |
| MALVOLIO | Fool! |
| Clown | 'Alas, why is she so?' |
| MALVOLIO | Fool, I say! |
| Clown | 'She loves another'--Who calls, ha? |
| MALVOLIO | Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't. |
| Clown | Master Malvolio? |
| MALVOLIO | Ay, good fool. |
| Clown | Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? |
| MALVOLIO | Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. |
| Clown | But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool. |
| MALVOLIO | They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits. |
| Clown | Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble. |
| MALVOLIO | Sir Topas! |
| Clown | Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas. Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will. |
| MALVOLIO | Fool, fool, fool, I say! |
| Clown | Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you. |
| MALVOLIO | Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. |
| Clown | Well-a-day that you were, sir |
| MALVOLIO | By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. |
| Clown | I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? |
| MALVOLIO | Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true. |
| Clown | Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. |
| MALVOLIO | Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone. |
| Clown | [Singing] |
| I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I'll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain; Who, with dagger of lath, In his rage and his wrath, Cries, ah, ha! to the devil: Like a mad lad, Pare thy nails, dad; Adieu, good man devil. |
|
| [Exit] |