| [Enter AJAX and THERSITES] | |
| AJAX | Thersites! |
| THERSITES | Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, generally? |
| AJAX | Thersites! |
| THERSITES | And those boils did run? say so: did not the general run then? were not that a botchy core? |
| AJAX | Dog! |
| THERSITES | Then would come some matter from him; I see none now. |
| AJAX | Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear? |
| [Beating him] | |
| Feel, then. | |
| THERSITES | The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord! |
| AJAX | Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will beat thee into handsomeness. |
| THERSITES | I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's tricks! |
| AJAX | Toadstool, learn me the proclamation. |
| THERSITES | Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus? |
| AJAX | The proclamation! |
| THERSITES | Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think. |
| AJAX | Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch. |
| THERSITES | I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another. |
| AJAX | I say, the proclamation! |
| THERSITES | Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpine's beauty, ay, that thou barkest at him. |
| AJAX | Mistress Thersites! |
| THERSITES | Thou shouldest strike him. |
| AJAX | Cobloaf! |
| THERSITES | He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit. |
| AJAX | [Beating him] You whoreson cur! |
| THERSITES | Do, do. |
| AJAX | Thou stool for a witch! |
| THERSITES | Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou! |
| AJAX | You dog! |
| THERSITES | You scurvy lord! |
| AJAX | [Beating him] You cur! |
| THERSITES | Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do. |
| [Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS] | |
| ACHILLES | Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now, Thersites! what's the matter, man? |
| THERSITES | You see him there, do you? |
| ACHILLES | Ay; what's the matter? |
| THERSITES | Nay, look upon him. |
| ACHILLES | So I do: what's the matter? |
| THERSITES | Nay, but regard him well. |
| ACHILLES | 'Well!' why, I do so. |
| THERSITES | But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you take him to be, he is Ajax. |
| ACHILLES | I know that, fool. |
| THERSITES | Ay, but that fool knows not himself. |
| AJAX | Therefore I beat thee. |
| THERSITES | Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say of him. |
| ACHILLES | What? |
| THERSITES | I say, this Ajax-- |
| [Ajax offers to beat him] | |
| ACHILLES | Nay, good Ajax. |
| THERSITES | Has not so much wit-- |
| ACHILLES | Nay, I must hold you. |
| THERSITES | As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he comes to fight. |
| ACHILLES | Peace, fool! |
| THERSITES | I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not: he there: that he: look you there. |
| AJAX | O thou damned cur! I shall-- |
| ACHILLES | Will you set your wit to a fool's? |
| THERSITES | No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it. |
| PATROCLUS | Good words, Thersites. |
| ACHILLES | What's the quarrel? |
| AJAX | I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the proclamation, and he rails upon me. |
| THERSITES | I serve thee not. |
| AJAX | Well, go to, go to. |
| THERSITES | I serve here voluntarily. |
| ACHILLES | Your last service was sufferance, 'twas not voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress. |
| THERSITES | E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a' were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel. |
| ACHILLES | What, with me too, Thersites? |
| THERSITES | There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars. |
| ACHILLES | What, what? |
| THERSITES | Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to! |
| AJAX | I shall cut out your tongue. |
| THERSITES | 'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou afterwards. |
| PATROCLUS | No more words, Thersites; peace! |
| THERSITES | I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I? |
| ACHILLES | There's for you, Patroclus. |
| THERSITES | I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come any more to your tents: I will keep where there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools. |
| [Exit] | |
| PATROCLUS | A good riddance. |
| ACHILLES | Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host: That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun, Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy To-morrow morning call some knight to arms That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare Maintain--I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell. |
| AJAX | Farewell. Who shall answer him? |
| ACHILLES | I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwise He knew his man. |
| AJAX | O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it. |
| [Exeunt] |