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Scene II The Same. A street.

	[Enter CRESSIDA and ALEXANDER]
CRESSIDA	Who were those went by?
ALEXANDER	Queen Hecuba and Helen.
CRESSIDA	And whither go they?
ALEXANDER	Up to the eastern tower, Whose height commands as subject all the vale, To see the battle. Hector, whose patience Is, as a virtue, fix'd, to-day was moved: He chid Andromache and struck his armourer, And, like as there were husbandry in war, Before the sun rose he was harness'd light, And to the field goes he; where every flower Did, as a prophet, weep what it foresaw In Hector's wrath.
CRESSIDA	What was his cause of anger?
ALEXANDER	The noise goes, this: there is among the Greeks A lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector; They call him Ajax.
CRESSIDA	Good; and what of him?
ALEXANDER	They say he is a very man per se, And stands alone.
CRESSIDA	So do all men, unless they are drunk, sick, or have no legs.
ALEXANDER	This man, lady, hath robbed many beasts of their particular additions; he is as valiant as the lion, churlish as the bear, slow as the elephant: a man into whom nature hath so crowded humours that his valour is crushed into folly, his folly sauced with discretion: there is no man hath a virtue that he hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint but he carries some stain of it: he is melancholy without cause, and merry against the hair: he hath the joints of every thing, but everything so out of joint that he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and no use, or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight.
CRESSIDA	But how should this man, that makes me smile, make Hector angry?
ALEXANDER	They say he yesterday coped Hector in the battle and struck him down, the disdain and shame whereof hath ever since kept Hector fasting and waking.
CRESSIDA	Who comes here?
ALEXANDER	Madam, your uncle Pandarus.
	[Enter PANDARUS]
CRESSIDA	Hector's a gallant man.
ALEXANDER	As may be in the world, lady.
PANDARUS	What's that? what's that?
CRESSIDA	Good morrow, uncle Pandarus.
PANDARUS	Good morrow, cousin Cressid: what do you talk of? Good morrow, Alexander. How do you, cousin? When were you at Ilium?
CRESSIDA	This morning, uncle.
PANDARUS	What were you talking of when I came? Was Hector armed and gone ere ye came to Ilium? Helen was not up, was she?
CRESSIDA	Hector was gone, but Helen was not up.
PANDARUS	Even so: Hector was stirring early.
CRESSIDA	That were we talking of, and of his anger.
PANDARUS	Was he angry?
CRESSIDA	So he says here.
PANDARUS	True, he was so: I know the cause too: he'll lay about him to-day, I can tell them that: and there's Troilus will not come far behind him: let them take heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too.
CRESSIDA	What, is he angry too?
PANDARUS	Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two.
CRESSIDA	O Jupiter! there's no comparison.
PANDARUS	What, not between Troilus and Hector? Do you know a man if you see him?
CRESSIDA	Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him.
PANDARUS	Well, I say Troilus is Troilus.
CRESSIDA	Then you say as I say; for, I am sure, he is not Hector.
PANDARUS	No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees.
CRESSIDA	'Tis just to each of them; he is himself.
PANDARUS	Himself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were.
CRESSIDA	So he is.
PANDARUS	Condition, I had gone barefoot to India.
CRESSIDA	He is not Hector.
PANDARUS	Himself! no, he's not himself: would a' were himself! Well, the gods are above; time must friend or end: well, Troilus, well: I would my heart were in her body. No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus.
CRESSIDA	Excuse me.
PANDARUS	He is elder.
CRESSIDA	Pardon me, pardon me.
PANDARUS	Th' other's not come to't; you shall tell me another tale, when th' other's come to't. Hector shall not have his wit this year.
CRESSIDA	He shall not need it, if he have his own.
PANDARUS	Nor his qualities.
CRESSIDA	No matter.
PANDARUS	Nor his beauty.
CRESSIDA	'Twould not become him; his own's better.
PANDARUS	You have no judgment, niece: Helen herself swore th' other day, that Troilus, for a brown favour--for so 'tis, I must confess,-- not brown neither,--
CRESSIDA	No, but brown.
PANDARUS	'Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.
CRESSIDA	To say the truth, true and not true.
PANDARUS	She praised his complexion above Paris.
CRESSIDA	Why, Paris hath colour enough.
PANDARUS	So he has.
CRESSIDA	Then Troilus should have too much: if she praised him above, his complexion is higher than his; he having colour enough, and the other higher, is too flaming a praise for a good complexion. I had as lief Helen's golden tongue had commended Troilus for a copper nose.
PANDARUS	I swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris.
CRESSIDA	Then she's a merry Greek indeed.
PANDARUS	Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th' other day into the compassed window,--and, you know, he has not past three or four hairs on his chin,--
CRESSIDA	Indeed, a tapster's arithmetic may soon bring his particulars therein to a total.
PANDARUS	Why, he is very young: and yet will he, within three pound, lift as much as his brother Hector.
CRESSIDA	Is he so young a man and so old a lifter?
PANDARUS	But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came and puts me her white hand to his cloven chin--
CRESSIDA	Juno have mercy! how came it cloven?
PANDARUS	Why, you know 'tis dimpled: I think his smiling becomes him better than any man in all Phrygia.
CRESSIDA	O, he smiles valiantly.
PANDARUS	Does he not?
CRESSIDA	O yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn.
PANDARUS	Why, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helen loves Troilus,--
CRESSIDA	Troilus will stand to the proof, if you'll prove it so.
PANDARUS	Troilus! why, he esteems her no more than I esteem an addle egg.
CRESSIDA	If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle head, you would eat chickens i' the shell.
PANDARUS	I cannot choose but laugh, to think how she tickled his chin: indeed, she has a marvellous white hand, I must needs confess,--
CRESSIDA	Without the rack.
PANDARUS	And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.
CRESSIDA	Alas, poor chin! many a wart is richer.
PANDARUS	But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laughed that her eyes ran o'er.
CRESSIDA	With mill-stones.
PANDARUS	And Cassandra laughed.
CRESSIDA	But there was more temperate fire under the pot of her eyes: did her eyes run o'er too?
PANDARUS	And Hector laughed.
CRESSIDA	At what was all this laughing?
PANDARUS	Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus' chin.
CRESSIDA	An't had been a green hair, I should have laughed too.
PANDARUS	They laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer.
CRESSIDA	What was his answer?
PANDARUS	Quoth she, 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on your chin, and one of them is white.
CRESSIDA	This is her question.
PANDARUS	That's true; make no question of that. 'Two and fifty hairs' quoth he, 'and one white: that white hair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.' 'Jupiter!' quoth she, 'which of these hairs is Paris, my husband? 'The forked one,' quoth he, 'pluck't out, and give it him.' But there was such laughing! and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all the rest so laughed, that it passed.
CRESSIDA	So let it now; for it has been while going by.
PANDARUS	Well, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on't.
CRESSIDA	So I do.
PANDARUS	I'll be sworn 'tis true; he will weep you, an 'twere a man born in April.
CRESSIDA	And I'll spring up in his tears, an 'twere a nettle against May.
	[A retreat sounded]
PANDARUS	Hark! they are coming from the field: shall we stand up here, and see them as they pass toward Ilium? good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida.
CRESSIDA	At your pleasure.
PANDARUS	Here, here, here's an excellent place; here we may see most bravely: I'll tell you them all by their names as they pass by; but mark Troilus above the rest.
CRESSIDA	Speak not so loud.
	[AENEAS passes]
PANDARUS	That's AEneas: is not that a brave man? he's one of the flowers of Troy, I can tell you: but mark Troilus; you shall see anon.
	[ANTENOR passes]
CRESSIDA	Who's that?
PANDARUS	That's Antenor: he has a shrewd wit, I can tell you; and he's a man good enough, he's one o' the soundest judgments in whosoever, and a proper man of person. When comes Troilus? I'll show you Troilus anon: if he see me, you shall see him nod at me.
CRESSIDA	Will he give you the nod?
PANDARUS	You shall see.
CRESSIDA	If he do, the rich shall have more.
	[HECTOR passes]
PANDARUS	That's Hector, that, that, look you, that; there's a fellow! Go thy way, Hector! There's a brave man, niece. O brave Hector! Look how he looks! there's a countenance! is't not a brave man?
CRESSIDA	O, a brave man!
PANDARUS	Is a' not? it does a man's heart good. Look you what hacks are on his helmet! look you yonder, do you see? look you there: there's no jesting; there's laying on, take't off who will, as they say: there be hacks!
CRESSIDA	Be those with swords?
PANDARUS	Swords! any thing, he cares not; an the devil come to him, it's all one: by God's lid, it does one's heart good. Yonder comes Paris, yonder comes Paris.
	[PARIS passes]
	Look ye yonder, niece; is't not a gallant man too, is't not? Why, this is brave now. Who said he came hurt home to-day? he's not hurt: why, this will do Helen's heart good now, ha! Would I could see Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon.
	[HELENUS passes]
CRESSIDA	Who's that?
PANDARUS	That's Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. That's Helenus. I think he went not forth to-day. That's Helenus.
CRESSIDA	Can Helenus fight, uncle?
PANDARUS	Helenus? no. Yes, he'll fight indifferent well. I marvel where Troilus is. Hark! do you not hear the people cry 'Troilus'? Helenus is a priest.
CRESSIDA	What sneaking fellow comes yonder?
	[TROILUS passes]
PANDARUS	Where? yonder? that's Deiphobus. 'Tis Troilus! there's a man, niece! Hem! Brave Troilus! the prince of chivalry!
CRESSIDA	Peace, for shame, peace!
PANDARUS	Mark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well upon him, niece: look you how his sword is bloodied, and his helm more hacked than Hector's, and how he looks, and how he goes! O admirable youth! he ne'er saw three and twenty. Go thy way, Troilus, go thy way! Had I a sister were a grace, or a daughter a goddess, he should take his choice. O admirable man! Paris? Paris is dirt to him; and, I warrant, Helen, to change, would give an eye to boot.
CRESSIDA	Here come more.
	[Forces pass]
PANDARUS	Asses, fools, dolts! chaff and bran, chaff and bran! porridge after meat! I could live and die i' the eyes of Troilus. Ne'er look, ne'er look: the eagles are gone: crows and daws, crows and daws! I had rather be such a man as Troilus than Agamemnon and all Greece.
CRESSIDA	There is among the Greeks Achilles, a better man than Troilus.
PANDARUS	Achilles! a drayman, a porter, a very camel.
CRESSIDA	Well, well.
PANDARUS	'Well, well!' why, have you any discretion? have you any eyes? Do you know what a man is? Is not birth, beauty, good shape, discourse, manhood, learning, gentleness, virtue, youth, liberality, and such like, the spice and salt that season a man?
CRESSIDA	Ay, a minced man: and then to be baked with no date in the pie, for then the man's date's out.
PANDARUS	You are such a woman! one knows not at what ward you lie.
CRESSIDA	Upon my back, to defend my belly; upon my wit, to defend my wiles; upon my secrecy, to defend mine honesty; my mask, to defend my beauty; and you, to defend all these: and at all these wards I lie, at a thousand watches.
PANDARUS	Say one of your watches.
CRESSIDA	Nay, I'll watch you for that; and that's one of the chiefest of them too: if I cannot ward what I would not have hit, I can watch you for telling how I took the blow; unless it swell past hiding, and then it's past watching.
PANDARUS	You are such another!
	[Enter Troilus's Boy]
Boy	Sir, my lord would instantly speak with you.
PANDARUS	Where?
Boy	At your own house; there he unarms him.
PANDARUS	Good boy, tell him I come.
	[Exit boy]
	I doubt he be hurt. Fare ye well, good niece.
CRESSIDA	Adieu, uncle.
PANDARUS	I'll be with you, niece, by and by.
CRESSIDA	To bring, uncle?
PANDARUS	Ay, a token from Troilus.
CRESSIDA	By the same token, you are a bawd.
	[Exit PANDARUS]
	Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love's full sacrifice, He offers in another's enterprise; But more in Troilus thousand fold I see Than in the glass of Pandar's praise may be; Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing: Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing. That she beloved knows nought that knows not this: Men prize the thing ungain'd more than it is: That she was never yet that ever knew Love got so sweet as when desire did sue. Therefore this maxim out of love I teach: Achievement is command; ungain'd, beseech: Then though my heart's content firm love doth bear, Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear.
	[Exeunt]