| [Enter SPEED and LAUNCE severally] | |
| SPEED | Launce! by mine honesty, welcome to Milan! |
| LAUNCE | Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess say 'Welcome!' |
| SPEED | Come on, you madcap, I'll to the alehouse with you presently; where, for one shot of five pence, thou shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how did thy master part with Madam Julia? |
| LAUNCE | Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very fairly in jest. |
| SPEED | But shall she marry him? |
| LAUNCE | No. |
| SPEED | How then? shall he marry her? |
| LAUNCE | No, neither. |
| SPEED | What, are they broken? |
| LAUNCE | No, they are both as whole as a fish. |
| SPEED | Why, then, how stands the matter with them? |
| LAUNCE | Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it stands well with her. |
| SPEED | What an ass art thou! I understand thee not. |
| LAUNCE | What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My staff understands me. |
| SPEED | What thou sayest? |
| LAUNCE | Ay, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean, and my staff understands me. |
| SPEED | It stands under thee, indeed. |
| LAUNCE | Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one. |
| SPEED | But tell me true, will't be a match? |
| LAUNCE | Ask my dog: if he say ay, it will! if he say no, it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will. |
| SPEED | The conclusion is then that it will. |
| LAUNCE | Thou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable. |
| SPEED | 'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how sayest thou, that my master is become a notable lover? |
| LAUNCE | I never knew him otherwise. |
| SPEED | Than how? |
| LAUNCE | A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be. |
| SPEED | Why, thou whoreson ass, thou mistakest me. |
| LAUNCE | Why, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master. |
| SPEED | I tell thee, my master is become a hot lover. |
| LAUNCE | Why, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself in love. If thou wilt, go with me to the alehouse; if not, thou art an Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the name of a Christian. |
| SPEED | Why? |
| LAUNCE | Because thou hast not so much charity in thee as to go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go? |
| SPEED | At thy service. |
| [Exeunt] |