| [Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS] | |
| SHALLOW | Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star- chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire. |
| SLENDER | In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and 'Coram.' |
| SHALLOW | Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum. |
| SLENDER | Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born, master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.' |
| SHALLOW | Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three hundred years. |
| SLENDER | All his successors gone before him hath done't; and all his ancestors that come after him may: they may give the dozen white luces in their coat. |
| SHALLOW | It is an old coat. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love. |
| SHALLOW | The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat. |
| SLENDER | I may quarter, coz. |
| SHALLOW | You may, by marrying. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. |
| SHALLOW | Not a whit. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compremises between you. |
| SHALLOW | The council shall bear it; it is a riot. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that. |
| SHALLOW | Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it: and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity. |
| SLENDER | Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections! --give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. |
| SLENDER | Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. |
| SLENDER | I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts. |
| SHALLOW | Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. |
| [Knocks] | |
| What, hoa! Got pless your house here! | |
| PAGE | [Within] Who's there? |
| [Enter PAGE] | |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings. |
| PAGE | I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow. |
| SHALLOW | Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart. |
| PAGE | Sir, I thank you. |
| SHALLOW | Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. |
| PAGE | I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. |
| SLENDER | How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall. |
| PAGE | It could not be judged, sir. |
| SLENDER | You'll not confess, you'll not confess. |
| SHALLOW | That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault; 'tis a good dog. |
| PAGE | A cur, sir. |
| SHALLOW | Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here? |
| PAGE | Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. |
| SHALLOW | He hath wronged me, Master Page. |
| PAGE | Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. |
| SHALLOW | If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged. |
| PAGE | Here comes Sir John. |
| [Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL] | |
| FALSTAFF | Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king? |
| SHALLOW | Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge. |
| FALSTAFF | But not kissed your keeper's daughter? |
| SHALLOW | Tut, a pin! this shall be answered. |
| FALSTAFF | I will answer it straight; I have done all this. That is now answered. |
| SHALLOW | The council shall know this. |
| FALSTAFF | 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you'll be laughed at. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. |
| FALSTAFF | Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me? |
| SLENDER | Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. |
| BARDOLPH | You Banbury cheese! |
| SLENDER | Ay, it is no matter. |
| PISTOL | How now, Mephostophilus! |
| SLENDER | Ay, it is no matter. |
| NYM | Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour. |
| SLENDER | Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter. |
| PAGE | We three, to hear it and end it between them. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note- book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. |
| FALSTAFF | Pistol! |
| PISTOL | He hears with ears. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He hears with ear'? why, it is affectations. |
| FALSTAFF | Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse? |
| SLENDER | Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves. |
| FALSTAFF | Is this true, Pistol? |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse. |
| PISTOL | Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine, I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest! |
| SLENDER | By these gloves, then, 'twas he. |
| NYM | Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on me; that is the very note of it. |
| SLENDER | By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. |
| FALSTAFF | What say you, Scarlet and John? |
| BARDOLPH | Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is! |
| BARDOLPH | And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed the careires. |
| SLENDER | Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. |
| FALSTAFF | You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it. |
| [Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following] |
|
| PAGE | Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within. |
| [Exit ANNE PAGE] | |
| SLENDER | O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. |
| PAGE | How now, Mistress Ford! |
| FALSTAFF | Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met: by your leave, good mistress. |
| [Kisses her] | |
| PAGE | Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. |
| [Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS] | |
| SLENDER | I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here. |
| [Enter SIMPLE] | |
| How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you? |
|
| SIMPLE | Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas? |
| SHALLOW | Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me? |
| SLENDER | Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason. |
| SHALLOW | Nay, but understand me. |
| SLENDER | So I do, sir. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. |
| SLENDER | Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | But that is not the question: the question is concerning your marriage. |
| SHALLOW | Ay, there's the point, sir. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page. |
| SLENDER | Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid? |
| SHALLOW | Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? |
| SLENDER | I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her. |
| SHALLOW | That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her? |
| SLENDER | I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason. |
| SHALLOW | Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid? |
| SLENDER | I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt: but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good. |
| SHALLOW | Ay, I think my cousin meant well. |
| SLENDER | Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! |
| SHALLOW | Here comes fair Mistress Anne. |
| [Re-enter ANNE PAGE] | |
| Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne! | |
| ANNE PAGE | The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships' company. |
| SHALLOW | I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. |
| SIR HUGH EVANS | Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. |
| [Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS] | |
| ANNE PAGE | Will't please your worship to come in, sir? |
| SLENDER | No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well. |
| ANNE PAGE | The dinner attends you, sir. |
| SLENDER | I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow. |
| [Exit SIMPLE] | |
| A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born. |
|
| ANNE PAGE | I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come. |
| SLENDER | I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did. |
| ANNE PAGE | I pray you, sir, walk in. |
| SLENDER | I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town? |
| ANNE PAGE | I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of. |
| SLENDER | I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not? |
| ANNE PAGE | Ay, indeed, sir. |
| SLENDER | That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored rough things. |
| [Re-enter PAGE] | |
| PAGE | Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. |
| SLENDER | I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. |
| PAGE | By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. |
| SLENDER | Nay, pray you, lead the way. |
| PAGE | Come on, sir. |
| SLENDER | Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. |
| ANNE PAGE | Not I, sir; pray you, keep on. |
| SLENDER | I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la! |
| [Exeunt] |